then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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