Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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