According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
