Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
