I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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