this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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