i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
