i think my tv is drunk
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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