I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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