Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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