Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Randomize
