turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
