she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Randomize
