i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
