capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
