Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
