just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
