Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
My balls are so social today.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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