Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
