then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
