masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
