did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
