Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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