I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
