If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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