I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
