last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
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