So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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