do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
