i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
