my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
