the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
