You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
