So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I will pee on everything he values.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
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