Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
