Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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