I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
