Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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