You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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