I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
