What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
