Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
