I have demons in me.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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