Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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