you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
