at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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