Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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