i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
