Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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