Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
